孩子，您的名字是？(Child, what is your name?)

【羅蘭第一分會 潘青霞撰文】雖然過了快兩年，我每次想起這事情，還是會莞爾一笑。

我在佛光山西來寺當義工，某日吃午餐的時候，義工A聊起她11歲的兒子寫電郵給老師，送出後，義工A發現兒子沒有在最後屬名，於是跟兒子說：「你要屬名您是誰啊！」

可愛的兒子立刻追加了一封電郵—

老師好！我是剛剛發電郵給您的某某某，我剛剛忘了屬名了！

義工A說完後，同桌吃飯的我、 義工B與C都笑得樂不可支，這男孩太可愛了！

無獨有偶，日前義工D主動向我提供她女兒的事蹟，我也是笑得上氣不接下氣。

她的女兒參加西來寺舉辦的三天兩夜冬令營，帶了球來玩，第一晚和室友在宿舍房間玩球，室友扔球不慎，把檯燈砸壞了，女兒身為球主人，責無旁貸，義工D一直到結營日才知道這「事蹟」 。

義工D讓女兒照價賠償檯燈，輔導法師不收，輔導法師只要求女孩到寺院大寮做10次義工，學會自己要對自己的行為負責。

於是女孩每週日早上9點去大寮做義工，中午12:30離開。

身為媽媽，義工D當然是忍不住念了女兒一頓（可能好幾頓？哈哈！），女兒的回話很有禪意：「媽媽！佛陀不是說要放下嗎？我已經懺悔了兩天了，我已經放下了，您怎麼還放不下呢？」   

義工D跟我說的時候，又好氣又好笑！我說您女兒不錯耶！有學到這則「放下」小故事的精髓，哈哈！

一位和尚與小沙彌正要涉水渡河，眼見河畔一位年輕貌美、身著華服的姑娘，似乎急著過河，但躊躇不前。和尚向前對姑娘說：

「姑娘，我背妳過去吧！」

小沙彌緊跟在後，心裡卻不是滋味。憋了幾天後，再也忍不住：

「師父，您不是時常告誡，出家人不可近女色，而那天您背著年輕女子渡河，不是打臉你自己嗎？」

和尚神色自若地說：「我早就把那姑娘放下了，而你怎麼還背著她不放呢？」

義工A與義工D的親子小趣事，讓我思索—孩子對於父母，到底扮演什麼角色呢？

我觀察到，親子及人際關係，如配偶、婆媳關係，不盡人意者不在少數，也許這是常態？難怪在傳統華人思想裡，有一說「配偶是冤親、孩子是債主。」

對於佛教的家庭觀，佛光山開山祖師星雲大師說，家庭有傳燈的功能，不僅把生命延續下去，更將文化、慈悲、道德、信仰等傳揚下去。人間佛教的家庭，便是依此菩薩精神而建立，夫妻不再是冤家，兒女也不是討債鬼，以正知正見成就菩提眷屬，建立一個幸福美滿的家庭。

也因為大師重視家庭教育，佛光山西來寺三好學園自2015年成立以來，在2022年增設了家長班，讓親子同堂共學，希望每個家庭成員都活出充滿「三好四給」精神的光明人生。

唉！理想很豐滿，但現實總是很骨感，親子關係緊張的驚悚新聞時有所見。

若站在父母的角度，有一說「我是當了父母後，才學習當父母」，對於父母就能多點體諒，但當我看到父母虐童新聞時，忍不住又覺得驚悚，日本作家伊坂幸太郎曾在其著作《一首小夜曲》寫到：「一想到為人父母居然不用經過考試，就覺得真是太可怕了。」

我最喜歡台灣作家龍應台在《目送》一書寫的這一段，

我慢慢地、慢慢地瞭解到，所謂父女母子一場，只不過意味著，你和他的緣分就是今生今世不斷地在目送他的背影漸行漸遠。你站立在小路的這一端，看著他逐漸消失在小路轉彎的地方，而且，他用背影默默告訴你：不必追。

這段話會讓人淚奔，尤其對於失去摯愛的父母的人。

孩子，您的名字是什麼呢？孩子對於父母，到底扮演什麼角色呢？

我希望所有孩子的名字都是「善知識」，星雲大師說，「善知識」是指一個正直有德，能教導正道的人，他能夠開導別人，也可以成就他人。 

我想義工A的男孩是善知識，他單純質樸的行為為人帶來歡笑；義工D的女孩也是善知識，她除了說了有禪意的回話，更重要的是，她願意為自己的行為負責。

Child, what is your name?

Although it’s been almost two years, every time I recall this, it still brings a smile to my face.

I was volunteering at Fo Guang Shan Hsi Lai Temple. One day during lunch, Volunteer A mentioned how her 11-year-old son forgot to sign his name at the end of an email he wrote to his teacher. So she told him, “Don’t you need to sign your name to let them know who you are?”

The adorable son promptly sent another email:

“Hello, Teacher! It’s me, the one who just sent you the email. I forgot to sign my name!”

After Volunteer A shared this, myself, Volunteer B, and Volunteer C, all laughed uncontrollably. That boy was just too cute!

Similarly, Volunteer D recently shared a story about her daughter with me, and I couldn’t stop laughing.

Her daughter participated in a three-day winter retreat organized by Hsi Lai Temple. She brought a ball to play with and, on the first night, while playing with her roommate in the dorm, her roommate accidentally broke the table lamp. Since her daughter owned the ball, she was responsible as well. Volunteer D only found out about this incident on the retreat’s closing day.

Volunteer D made her daughter pay for the lamp, but the guiding venerable refused to accept it. Instead, the guiding venerable only required her to complete 10 volunteer shifts in the Monastery Kitchen, teaching her to take responsibility for her actions.

So, every Sunday morning at 9:00 a.m., the daughter goes to the Monastery Kitchen and leaves at 12:30 p.m.

As a mother, Volunteer D couldn’t help but scold her daughter (maybe more than once? Ha-ha!). Her daughter’s response was quite Zen-like: “Mom! Didn’t Buddha say to let go? I’ve been repenting for two days already. I’ve let go. Why can’t you?”

When Volunteer D told me this, I couldn’t help but feel both amused and amazed. I said, “Your daughter is quite something! She’s learned the essence of ‘letting go’ in the following story. Ha-ha!”

There’s a story about a monk and a novice crossing a river. They saw a young, beautifully dressed woman at the riverside, seemingly eager to cross but hesitating. The monk approached her and said, “Miss, let me carry you across.”

The novice, though, felt uncomfortable. After holding it in for a few days, he couldn’t resist anymore and said, “Master, didn’t you always tell us monks not to get close to women? But the other day, you carried a young woman across the river. Isn’t that contradicting yourself?”

The monk calmly replied, “I let go of that woman long ago. Why are you still carrying her?”

These amusing anecdotes from Volunteer A and Volunteer D got me thinking: What role do children play in the lives of their parents?

I’ve noticed that relationships, whether parent-child or other, often fall short of expectations. Perhaps it’s normal? No wonder there’s a saying in traditional Chinese culture that ” Spouses are like foes, and children are like creditors.”

According to Buddhist family values, Venerable Master Hsing Yun, the founder of Fo Guang Shan, said that families have the function of passing on the light, not only continuing life but also spreading culture, compassion, morality, and faith. A Buddhist family is built on the spirit of the bodhisattva, where spouses are no longer adversaries, and children are not debtors. With correct understanding and insight, they achieve enlightenment together, establishing a happy and fulfilling family.

Because of the emphasis on family education, Hsi Lai Temple TAG School added a parent class in 2022, allowing parents and children to learn together, hoping that each family member can live a bright life full of good deeds and virtues.

Alas! Ideals are lofty, but the reality is often stark. We frequently hear horrifying news about strained parent-child relationships.

From a parent’s perspective, there’s a saying, “I learned to be a parent after becoming one.” This might lead to more understanding for parents, but when I see news about child abuse, I can’t help but feel horrified again. Japanese writer Kōtarō Isaka wrote in his work “A Serenade”: “The thought that people can become parents without having to pass an exam is truly frightening.”

One of my favorite passages from Taiwanese writer Long Ying Tai’s book “Watching” goes like this:

“I gradually understood that the so-called parent-child relationship means that you and he constantly watch each other’s backs as he walks farther and farther away in this life. You stand at one end of the path, watching him gradually disappear around the bend, and he silently tells you with his back: Don’t follow.”

This passage brings tears to my eyes, especially after losing my father.

Child, what’s your name? What role do children play in the lives of their parents?

I hope all children are named “Dharma Friends” (善知識, shàn zhī shì). Venerable Master Hsing Yun said that a “Dharma Friend” is someone who is upright and virtuous, capable of teaching the right path. They can enlighten others, guide others, and inspire others to achieve greatness.

I think Volunteer A’s son is a “Dharma Friend.” His simple and sincere actions bring joy to others. Volunteer D’s daughter is also a “Dharma Friend.” Not only did she give a Zen-like response, but more importantly, she was willing to take responsibility for her actions.